miércoles, enero 10, 2007

La Marca

El problema empieza cuando me doy cuenta que siento algo y que no es un escozor en la pierna como anoche. ¿Qué es lo que siento entonces?
La locura no se siente, sino estaría sentida toda mi vida. Lo que siento es una obsesión irracional (¿acaso las obsesiones son racionales?), siento deseos de divertirme, de pasar el tiempo, de no aburrirme.
Desesperanza es mi nombre. En mi mente no cabe otro tipo de sueños más que los truncados; en mi vida, sólo hay aves sin alas e insectos sin antenas. Desesperanza.
Una navaja corta mi esófago, lo ha cortado tantas veces que sólo vomito sangre y una sonrisa trastornada. I can´t figure out why I'm nothing. maybe because I'm nothing.

Una vez soñé que podía volar, pero me di cuenta que era un sueño, no porque estaba volando sino porque mi maldita acrofobia no me permitiría estar a dos metros del suelo con la vista hacia abajo.
Otro día soñe que me cortaba los brazos, me hacía heridas con una fanatismo exagerado, intentaba quitarme una marca del brazo derecho, pero la marca estaba tan impregnada a mí que dejé mi lápiz 2B y utilicé las tijeras. No pude quitármela. Cuando desperté, aún podía sentir La Marca y tuve ganas de vomitar. De vomitarme, de sacarme de mi misma.
La Marca desapareció de mi mente ocho meses después, pero sentí la Desesperanza otra vez.

"Dios, ¿por qué estoy tan sola?" me pregunté, y Dios me respondió: "Porque has intentado vomitarme de ti". Le prometí a Dios que lo soportaría en mí aunque ya no quisiera llamarle 'Dios' sino "yo". Y Yo misma me acepté y me prometí que estaríamos juntas.

Pero Yo me traicioné. Dios me traicionó. La Marca volvió a aparecer en mi brazo derecho. "No, ¿por qué me traicionas?" me pregunté, y Dios me respondió: "Porque te odio". Otra vez el sueño de mi limpieza inconclusa, de la expurgación sangrienta y sin dolor.

¿Cómo hacer para quitarme eternamente La Marca y llenarme de la Desesperanza? Una punzada en el cerebro, drogas fuertes, sexo promiscuo, alcohol, golpes en la caabeza y más drogas fuertes hasta que sienta que el Diablo me va a llevar. "Oh, Dios, no me dejes caer en la sobredosis y líbrame de una muerte lastimosa, amén".

Tengo una Marca en el brazo
más abajo del punto equidistante de la derecha
leo en el idioma de distinto dialecto
dice que te amo y que te amo al mismo tiempo.
Es una cicatriz que nunca dolió
la escalera... de qué estábamos hablando?
tanta mierda sólo para decirte que te amo.

La Marca es el amor que ya no quiero sentir y la Desesperanza es lo que se siente cuando no se ama. El vació, la sensación de nada.
Pero ¿a quién amo ahora? ¿Al recuerdo de un fantasma que ya no existe ni en las mentes de sus vivos (y que solamente vive en el mío? ¿A la generosidad que en alguna mente trastornada se personificó? ¿A una chilena?
Perdón, Dios, pero creo que nosotras estamos locas, tú y yo, estamos locas. Nos gusta jugar con los mortales.

Sé que el problema comienza cuando me doy cuenta que siento algo, cuando veo la Marca otra vez en mi brazo derecho (y no en el izquierdo porque soy diestra y con la izquierda no la puedo joder bien). El problema comienza cuando empiezo a amar.

23 de diciembre del 2006

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